It's been a long time since the last frustrated rambling post. Which is good I guess.
But there are no highs without lows. And while this is not rock bottom, I've been hitting the low for a while now. It always takes me a little while to find out what's wrong. After carefully analyzing I think it boils down to this: I'm STUCK!

I see no left, right, up or down in the near future. I am where I am and that's where I will be for at least 2 (3, 4, 5?) years.

I guess part of the problem is that I don't feel I have the right to complain. I have a roof over my head, a super sweet loving man, food on the table and a pretty pooch to bring a smile on my face. It could be so much worse. On the other hand, I feel stuck and I feel that I need to 'complain' about it. If I don't get it out of my system it will hold me back, drain my energy and shift from low to rock bottom.

Bubblescape by DianeClancy

In all my life, even as a child, I've felt the need to be challenged, have goals and work hard to reach them. I've always been bubbling with plans and ideas, some easily achieved some nearly impossible. Even if I knew that my goals were beyond my abilities it gave me energy to try to see how far I could come. If nothing else I would learn something, have a new experience.
My head still bubbles with ideas, but they no longer bring the same kind of energy with it.

I feel mostly stuck at where I live. This apartment was only meant as a temporary solution. A place to spend a few years before moving on. It feels like those few years are over, it's time to move on. The apartment did it's job, it provided a place to live. But it never felt like me, it never felt like us. My dreams for a new place are not over the top, I don't need a villa with ocean view. But I do want a home without stairs (not for me, but for my lovely man who's foot does not agree with stairs), a kitchen that doesn't make me angry every time I want to make an extensive meal. A house/apartment with a little porch to eat outside, a tiny garden for some vegetables. Simple pleasures. Simple pleasures that make a world of difference. But they require money.

As most independent artists / designers it's not so easy to make a living, off course there are highs when a great project comes along that actually brings in good money. But more often then not it's a struggle to keep motivated. For me it comes in bursts. In my POD (print on demand) work I have weeks or months that I work 12+ hours a day and loving it. But there is so little pay-off in working that hard. I can still see a steady (but slow) growth in sales and I know it's a long term project... but... you know...

My patience is running out. I'm not ready to give up yet, my goals are not met, I feel there is room to grow and learn. But I need to find more energy, more motivation. And that excellent idea that will bring that little bit of extra cash I need to move from stuck to unstuck.

I hope I find it soon, feeling like this is not good. Not good at all.

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